NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait