7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.