My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Stop sending me this shit.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one