*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My god she’s good.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
(Gaming support cat.)
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing