So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.