My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
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Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.