[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Worth the read.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”