*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.