still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist