It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
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Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.