Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Canātā¦need to work on my business idea.
Me: Whatās your business idea?
10y/o: Iām gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: āIāve been really under the weather lately.ā
Doctor: āWhen did your symptoms start?ā
Me (checks watch): ā1985.ā
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: *grins* Couldnāt help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, Iām a cashier at a grocery store. Thatās my job.
āWhat if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?ā
-Inventor of grapefruit
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Mothers just donāt eat their young like they used to.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, itās a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. Iām not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasnāt exploded honest.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
This is so me šš
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldnāt because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, āI donāt think itās a problem with the moviesā.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: Iām probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him