I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
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For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.