Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Good boy 😂😂
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.