BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
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4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick