Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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when the buffet is more honest than your date
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice