saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
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[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.