Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies