Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
You Might Also Like
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid