My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Golf would be better with landmines.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents