Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
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Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.