I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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are they though??
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……