Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
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Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*