*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Looking at you, Jesus.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
War & Peace
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go