Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.