[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION