gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*