I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Saturday
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.