When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone