So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’