Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.