“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
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I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Erm I’m gonna say no
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……