We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.