The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
#Caturday
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea