[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.