[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I’m giving up ice.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on