Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
stand with me against insufficient seating
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped