my fav colour is also hitler
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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy