My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.