Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.