Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Every haunted house movie:
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath