What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao