“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die