My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Actually cracking up @ this
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary