No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!