I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.