My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message