Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.