I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.