My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
🌱🌱🌱
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit