OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.